Generic Fanfic
By Fritters

AUTHORS NOTE: I have read a lot of fanfic in my time. Due to this, I feel Highly Qualified to bring you a generic fanfic of Every Fanfic With A New Character Added. This should, in theory, cover approximately 58% of all the fanfiction out there that has been written, in one way or another, and therefore free you from having to read most of the less imaginative ones you may come across. We now present...Generic Fanfic!

A television/movie screen comes to life, followed by the opening credit of your choice.

It is a dark and stormy night, or not. Everything is dark and foreboding. Or not. Through the forebodingness, we pan across to see a character. This character is dressed all in black and in the latest fashion. Their hair is perfect. They look like the coolest thing that has ever walked the planet and are wearing a pair of the Trendiest Shades Ever. They are nothing like Exactly Who the Author Wants to Be. They are nothing like Exactly How the Author Would Portray Themselves if They Were in This Story. We'll call them S. I. "Essie" Avatar, even though they are Definitely Not a Self-Insert. Lightning crackles over them and makes them look cool enough to make popsicles on.

We continue to pan past them till we get to the location where all the action always starts (i.e. The Mystery Machine, the cul de sac, skool or Hogwarts main hall). Standing around we find our usual characters. Everyone is talking.

Attractive Character Everyone Likes (i.e. Fred, Zim, Harry, Abe Vigoda): What a great day. Too bad it's so quiet, though.

Generic Secondary Character: It could be worse. Remember when Generic Bad Thing Happened?

Tertiary Character: Yes, that was horrible. Thankfully the day was saved, though!

Attractive Character: Yes, that was a close one! Ha ha!

Tertiary Character: By the way, has anyone seen Character That Is Usually Paired With Attractive Character? (i.e. Daphne, Gaz, Cho, Rainbow Brite)

Generic Secondary Character: I think they were struck by a bus or are dying of pneumonia or something.

Attractive Character: I really don't care. I never really liked them anyways, you know.

A knocking at the door startles everyone.

Tertiary Character: I wonder who that is?

Generic Secondary Character: I'll get it.

Essie Avatar is standing at the door.

Essie: Excuse me, my Cool Vehicle of Choice has broken down and I'd like to use your phone.

Attractive Character: Please, come in! Use our phone! Hell, use my personal cell phone! By the way, you seem very attractive and intelligent!

Essie: You forgot humble.

Attractive Character: Yes, and humble, too!

Essie: Why, thank you! *takes cell phone and calls Auto Club in the background*

Generic Secondary Character: It's a good thing Character That Is Usually Paired With Attractive Character is missing or they'd be really jealous!

Essie: The Auto Club will be here in several hours. Here's your phone back. Thanks. *hands Attractive Character their phone. They both lock eyes and stare at each other meaningfully. From the edge of the screen Character That Is Usually Paired With Attractive Character comes crawling into view. Essie quietly stomps their hand and kicks them once and they crawl back out of view. Suddenly, Attractive Character's phone rings.*

Attractive Character: *popping open phone* What's that? Another Horrible Thing is happening in Another Frequently Viewed Location? My, lord!! We'll be right over and see what we can do! *to everyone* Another Horrible Thing is happening! We must rush right over to Another Frequently Viewed Location and try to save the day!

Essie: Let me come, too! I have mysterious powers that haven't been mentioned up till now!

Attractive Character: Wow. That makes you so attractive to me.

Essie: I know.

They all rush over to Another Frequently Viewed Location (i.e. a big scary castle, the Kanker's trailer, Zim's house, the Ministry of Magic) in their usual manner (Van, Irken Voot Cruiser, Broomsticks, the Insides of Bill Clinton's pants).

Tertiary Character: My god!! It's....soo....HORRIBLE!

Generic Character: And it looks so dangerous!

Attractive Character: Hold yourselves together, everyone! We've come through bigger scrapes than this! Generic, what do you think it is?

Generic Character: It appears to be Related to Most Every Other Problem We've Faced Only Slightly Different To Avoid Copyright Infringement!

Tertiary Character: You're right!

Attractive Character: I've got it! Then why don't we do what we always do to Stop Horrible Things?!?

Generic Character: You're a GENIUS!

They all do the Usual Things to Stop Horrible Things (i.e. throw Scooby Snacks at it, throw Dib's head at it, wave their little wands, read fanfic at it). The Horrible Thing only gets bigger.

Tertiary Character: It's no use!! It's only getting STRONGER! We're DOOMED!

The Horrible Thing does something Horrible and suddenly Tertiary Character is hit and flies across the area into a crumpled injured pile.

Attractive and Generic Character: TERTIARY!

Tertiary Character: No, no, I'll be fine! *cough* Fight on without me!!

Generic Character: We have no way to fight it, though! What can we do??

Attractive Character: *looks sad and angsty*

Essie: Wait! I recognize that sort of Horrible Thing! It's an ANTI-Horrible Thing! We must do the opposite of what we've been doing! *Essie bravely Does The Opposite (steals it's Scooby Snacks, removes Dib's head from where it's embedded, waves her wand in the opposite way, read literature to it)*

Attractive Character: You've saved us!! *little stars shine in their eyes*

Generic Character: We'd have all died and the entire world would have been destroyed if you hadn't have been here!

Essie: *polishes their nails demurely on their shirt, looking humble.*

*back in the original location*

Essie: Well, the Auto Club guy is here, I should be going.

Tertiary Character: *bandaged up but smiling bravely* Thanks for everything! We'd have been lost without you!

Essie: Hey, it was the least I could do.

Generic Character: Come back and visit us any time.

Attractive Character: *with obvious longing* Yes, please.

Essie: *to Attractive* I'll miss you.

Attractive Character: I'll miss you, too. Here's something to remember me by. *Attractive Character swoops Essie into their arms and kisses them longingly. From the edge of the screen you see Character That Is Usually Paired With Attractive Character crawl injuredly back into view. Essie stomps them a few times while still kissing Attractive Character.*

Iris out.

Closing Credits of Choice